The Decibel Tolls

To Whichever BBQ Bro It May Concern,

Hey everybody! What’s good? Not much here. Just getting ready to fuck up a can of Campbell’s Chunky for lunch. Should rule.

Welp… heard you all got in a lil’ pickle outside of Nashville in Hopkinsville, Ky. Got nailed for having a lil’ “controlled substance” for party hard solutions. That’s a bummer, man. It’s kinda like the song “Rollin’ Dirty” with the Bone Thug bros. I probably would’ve been humming that to myself if I were in a similar situation. Anyway, good to hear you’re out of the slammer. Hope you followed protocol and bitched up to someone. I’ve not been incarcerated myself, but it’s my understanding that doing such is just good standard operating procedure. When in Rome, amirite?

Alright, let’s get to brass tacks. I recently read that Sam Hunt, your booking agent with Windish (who’s a super great guy who helped us secure a lot of awesome shows for WRFL when I hung tough there – tell him we said hello), gave the local reporter in Hopkinsville a couple of preliminary ruminations from the band: “I’d kind of be surprised if they played again,” Hunt said. “It’s been a real drag, you know? It’s been a real shame for a lot of reasons. They’ll probably never set foot in Kentucky again.”

Ever play again? What, are you guys that wimpy? That shit’s sad, Khan. Lil’ Wayne’s getting his ass arrested all the time, but he still seems to release 500 mixtapes a year and rock a House of Blues or two. I mean, you’re following in a fine tradition of rock stars sporting the fluorescent jumpsuit – check out Rolling Stone’s Hall of Fame. Work this to your advantage. All press is good press, guys. That’s PR 101.

Secondly – “never set foot in Kentucky again”? Dude, that’s some Laguna Beach shit. Like, “She tried to hook up with Stephen, I’m never talking to that bitch again.” What’s with the pedestrian playground mentality? You guys are Pitchfork fodder with a deece record contract. Time to put on the big boy pants now.

Look… unfortunately, there’s no room in this letter to discuss the nature of the war on drugs. Sure, it totally sucks you all were arrested and jailed for a non-violent crime and drug laws in the states are kinda fucked. But the fact of the matter is, right or wrong, the law is the law, and drugs are crazy illegal (see your local statute book and The Wire). So if you’re going to do something illegal, don’t get caught. If you have drugs in the car, it should go without saying that you roll careful style. And if you don’t successfully evade Johnny Law, displacing blame for getting caught with your own stash (that you’re fully aware is not legal) is kinda immature and makes you sorta look like an asshole. Just sayin’.

I understand that you weren’t pulled over for speeding or the like, but were stopped at a random safety checkpoint. Regardless, an officer cannot search your vehicle (“illegal search and seizure” in legalese) in any case without either probable cause or your consent.

The band’s official statement said “officers located a controlled substance in the cab of the vehicle.” That begs the question – how did the officers locate your shroomage? Did you allow them to search your van?  Or did you have your paraphernalia all strewn about the vehicle, providing plain sight probable cause? If it’s the former, what the hell? I have nothing else to say to you. If it’s the latter… dude, hide your shit. Especially at checkpoints! It didn’t exactly sneak up on you, ya know! The majority of the Interstate system is comprised of long stretches of completely straight asphalt, as per the original Eisenhower plan. Especially in places like western Kentucky where it’s flat!

The only other scenario I can picture is that manager Kristin Klein’s expired or suspended license warranted the search. Maybe someone who had a driver license should’ve been behind the wheel. Again, good job.

So, like, all things considered, responding to your own ineptitude by saying “fuck this state, we’re never coming here again” is rather asinine, don’t you think? Saving face and manning up is a good style. Just somethin’ to chew on. If you do decide to tour these parts again though, The Decibel Tolls will be more than happy to sponsor it. Shit, I’ll even give you some pointers and show you how I hide my own stash and keep my mouth shut.

Best,
Kenny Bloggins

MP3 :::
Times New Viking – City on Drugs
The Rain Parade – Prisoners
Ariel Pink – House Arrest
Mazzy Star – Free