I was caught in the internet vortex the other day and ran across some old cuts by The Crucifucks. It brought back the vivid memory of when I was just a young pup and my mom found a hand-labeled cassette in my case featuring said band. Needless to say that Maxell XL90 hit the wastebin in a hurry.
Not particularly a big loss as The Crucifucks were a mediocre band hawking the same kind of marginally informed political rants typical of hardcore in the mid ’80s. But I was in junior high and listening to a band with the “F” word in the name gave me street cred. Not sure if it’s a form of arrested development or an extremely sheltered childhood which leads grown-ups to believe that use of the word “fuck” is somehow the ultimate statement. But apparently this banal formula is still intact since I’ve lately run across a fuck-ton of “fuck” bands.
Yo La Tengo cashes in with its alter ego, Condo Fucks, and a new covers CD appropriately called Fuckbook. Aside from that does anyone really think Yo La Tengo is *that* good or just a beneficiary of critical hype/having the balls to write 17 minute songs? [Editor's Note: I dunno man, Yo La Tengo is pretty fuckin' rad] Fuck Buttons – frequently referred to as F*** Buttons – join the club along with Holy Fuck, Fucked Up and an endless number of minor bands with correspondingly minor wits.
Do you remember the Ass Ponys? It was always good for a titter when you could claim them as one of your favorite bands. What about Throbbing Gristle? Alien Sex Fiend? But you can no longer get anyone’s attention by simply being suggestive. You need to ‘make a statement’ about how it’s ‘just a word’ over which people shouldn’t get so upset. And if it gets attention/endears you to critics so be it.
The dudes in Holy Fuck have already reaped benefits via a mini-controversy when Canada’s parliament pulled arts funding by citing them as recipients. Dutifully insulted that anyone would take issue, the band shrugged and claimed, “…really what the term ‘holy fuck’ is about—it’s a way to say ‘hooray!’” So why didn’t they name the band, “Hooray!”?
But what pisses off the man pleases the critics. The subtext is that an obscene name means you’re somehow anti-commerical and ‘all about the music.’ Accordingly, all of the “fuck” bands have earned Pitchfork praise with Fuckbook ranking an 8.3, Holy Fuck’s latest clocking a 7.9, Fuck Buttons’ Street Horrrsing hauls an 8.6 and Fucked Up’s The Chemistry of Common Life is off the charts yall with an 8.8. That’s some really fucking good music.
Of course “fuck” isn’t the only overused unoriginal moniker out there. Maybe there’s something like those baby names books but for bands. Do you really think millions of moms independently came up with Chloe, Addison or Liam?
There are the exclamation point bands which are the rough equivalent of every bullshit company with a website that rebranded itself with a “dot com” in the late ’90s. We’re cool! it says. Panic! At the Disco. Against Me! You Say Party! We Say Die! Los Campesinos! And of course the band known as !!!. Godspeed You! Black Emperor (formerly known as Godspeed You Black Emperor!) was arguably there first though some historians would go as far back as Wham! As evidence of an easing of this trend, Panic! At the Disco decided it wasn’t that excited and became Panic At the Disco.
Then there are the “go” bands; Go Panic! (bonus points for the !) OK Go. The Go! Team (more !), The Go Find, and the Go Fuck Yourselves. Actually I made up the last one so you can still use it for your band if you want. Just credit me in the liner notes dude. Etymology of “go” bands is probably The Go-Go’s or to a lesser extent The Go-Betweens.
The “wolf” bands; Wolf Parade, Guitar Wolf, Wolfmother, Sea Wolf, Peanut Butter Wolf, and AIDS Wolf. Probably derived from either Howlin’ Wolf or Peter Wolf.
The “crystal” bands; Crystal Antlers, Crystal Castles, Crystal Stilts, The Crystal Method, and Crystal Skulls. Most likely derivatives of Crystal Gayle.
If I had to go way out on a limb and predict the future of dumb band names, I’d put my money on the vampire meme. What with Vampire Weekend and that whole Twilight thing taking over the world, it won’t be long before we’re rocking to stuff like Bite My Neck Say Yeah and Vlad! The Impaler.
Here’s my favorite fuck band, Jackie O’ Motherfucker. Maybe posting an MP3 will get us some more fucking blog traffic.
MP3 :::
Jackie O’ Motherfucker – Backyard Raul’s Unisex Reprise
At some point in the past 10 years I stopped listening to albums and started listening to songs. It began innocently enough with mix tapes. These were purely labors of love with hours spent winding and rewinding tape, scattering CDs across the floor and avoiding the ultimate mix tape sin – having the tape run out in the middle of a song. But with the constant evolution from CD changers to MP3 players, the ability to instantly call up an obscure cut from your library of thousands of files (formerly known as “songs”) became universally available.
I discovered Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell when I was 13 (1998 by the Gregorian calendar). I walked into my grandmother’s room one night to fetch something. It was late at night, she was obviously asleep, and she usually slumbered with the radio playing. It was the strangest call-in show I had ever heard – instead of, you know, railing on Clinton as the majority of AM radio did at that time, the caller was talking about a poltergeist in his house and its glowing red eyes, claws, et al. As a fan of the macabre, I immediately ran to my room and tried to find the show on my stereo. This happened to be the evening that Art Bell premiered the Sounds From Hell. Though I was slowly approaching my current agnostic beliefs at that time, it still made me want to shag-ass to the closest church.
So the first clip… about 10 years ago, as alluded to earlier, Art Bell aired the urban legend recording “The Sounds From Hell.” It can be a really bothersome clip to those with a nervous disposition, but also morbidly fun. It’s also completely a hoax -literally speaking, not theologically – so worry not (unless, ya know, your faith tells you to). The origin of this sound is as follows: Soviet scientists in the early to mid 20th century drilled a hole nine miles deep in the heart of Siberia to study plate tectonics. When they hit a heat pocket, their drilling equipment was destroyed, followed by the sound of millions of screaming souls. As any good scientist would do, they whipped out the mics and recorded it. Part-ee.
The second clip is an infamous one. From Wikipedia: “At about 11 p.m. PST, Thursday, September 11, 1997, [Art Bell] designated one phone line for Area 51 employees who wanted to discuss the secretive base. Several callers claimed to work at Area 51, but the bizarre highlight of the night came when a seemingly distraught and terrified man claimed to be a former Area 51 employee recently discharged for “medical” reasons. He cited malevolent extraterrestrials at Area 51 (“extra-dimensional beings” who are not “what they claim to be”) and an impending disaster that the government knew would take out “major population centers.” Midway through this call, Bell’s program went off the air for about 30 minutes. After talking to network engineers, the official explanation was that the network satellite had “lost earth lock” or forgotten where the earth was. Network officials were baffled, and the cause remains a mystery.”
