Art Bell appeared on Coast to Coast twice last weekend, and I recorded as much as I could to continue with my unofficial project archiving Art’s scant appearances. Most of Friday’s program (with the total badass theoretical physicist Michio Kaku), save for the first hour because I was out, bro, is below in two parts, as well as most of Sunday’s in one part.

As a quick caveat, the audio quality on Friday’s show is total garbage, and I have no idea why this time. No storms interfering with reception, radio was in working order, etc. Louisville’s Coast affiliate, WHAS, is a 50,000 watt flamethrower that, as a clear channel (small c) station, can be heard in most of the continental U.S., Canada, and, like, Cuba at night. My apartment is not more than 30 minutes from the transmitter, and yet, the clarity is fucking embarrassing. I apologize in advance. If any engineer out there has an explanation beyond solar interference and a shitty antenna, I’d love to hear your thoughts. With all that said, it’s still perfectly listenable. Also, Sunday’s is totally fine.

Dr. Kaku touched on a myriad of issues – the Large Hadron Collider, quantum theory, teleportation, The Carrington Event… generally awesome shit. Another physicist, Dr. David Anderson, spent his Sunday program discussing time technology, particularly his accelerated time fields. I missed the last hour because I had to work in the morning, but you get the gist below.

MP3 :::
Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell – 1.29.10 – Part 1 (show recap)
Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell – 1.29.10 – Part 2
Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell – 1.31.10 (show recap)

I’m going to miss Jay Reatard. He made good records and put on an even better live show. We booked him on a Monday night in August of 2007 at The Dame, and he played to, I think, 20 people (see Matt’s photos). They ripped through an insane set. Only Daniel Johnston has played a shorter set, in my experience. I mean, daaang. Evidently someone stole some of his gear that night (though I think he probably lost it). I remember that he cursed us on his old blog, which I don’t think is up anymore.

But most of all, I’ll miss him because, like yours truly, he was a hater. I was always feelin’ what he wrote online. Here are some of my favorite victories in shit talking, all taken from his Twitter. These were copied and pasted as is, so obviously [sic] all over the place:

“Back in the states .OHIO is about to get shit on tonight !”

“Damn homeboy in M83 has the weakest slap I have ever seen…inviting the crowd on stage is almost as stupid as stage diving to watered down synth-pop.”

“Brooklyn shut up ! most of your bands all suck and you are total wanna bees ! The pains of being boring at heart ….oh it must hurt being so bland”

“South America is blowing my mind in the first 5 minutes I have been here . Can’t wait to eat atleast half a cow . So glad I’m not vegan”

“To the girl in s.f who tried her best to smash my V I hope you rot in hell . To everyone else thanks for the great turn out”

“Fyi .. No pee got on the dude I was pissing on the ground .. Also that is not my solo band its the reatards .. Get your bands straight”

“On the plane to oz turns out no age are on the same plane as us . Us no age and about 500 more people . Ok dude told me to get of the ph…”

“Almost home ! BBQ BBQ ! You know a “young meatloaf” needs hissmoked pork and boy do I need to spell check my “tweets”

“Hangin in a spainish shopping mall .. Makes me feel good to know that there are rednecks everywhere”

“Band quit! Fuck them! They are boring rich kids who can’t play for ahit anyways … Say hello to your ugly and boring wifes opps I mean lifes guys suck it.”

“Just spent 90 bucks in weed CA ! Jamming van halen in the van … Chugging pepsi clear mixed with cat turds and dope ! ”

“Har Mar and I are starting a new musical/culinary project called Hamburghini. Patent pending”

“ha not only am I not from Nashville this joker thinks the photos he’s seen of Kurt vile are me ! Wrong hit maker fool”

“Can some one tell me why british people still listen to ace of base or why danish people even attempt to rap ? Really people you are wack”

That’s some greasy food for thought. Though I don’t wish to entertain why this happened, it’s interesting to see that his shared thoughts most concerned food, partying, and cracking wise on indie rock mouthbreathers. Did he do himself in, did M83 bro seek retribution (it’s never too early for conspiracy theories), or something else entirely? I dunno, and it doesn’t matter really. Gonna miss ya, big guy.

MP3 :::
Jay Reatard – Wounded

In the great tradition of “Facts” (via Chucky Norris, Mr. T, and other adored celebs I suppose), Ian at Dystopian Fuchsia rattled off an impressively long and hilarious list of Bono facts this morning. I had to share. I added “Bono once fell off the stage because he got too close to The Edge,” but that’s kinda corny. His is better, and acts as a great first post for 2010. LOLacaust…

Bono was bitten by a radioactive spider, and learned a valuable lesson when his Uncle Bon was killed.

Bono has copyrighted the word “Wonga”.

Bono’s biggest influence, other than Bono, is Josh Ward from the T Mobile ads.

Bono’s favourite subject, One, was made famous in a song.

If Bono falls over in a forest, job done.

Bono’s U2 bandmates are Rono, Dono and Adam Clayton.

Bono has his own economy and currency. One Bonopound is worth about 30p. A Bonopenny is that secretary from the Bond films.

Bono once flew around the planet backwards in his private jet, reversing time. He was able to save his hat from an earthquake.

Bono has discovered the secret of powered flight in humans, and is invisible to radar.

Bono’s first foray into sitcom writing was the classic Big Top.

Bono is to play David Tennant in a biopic.

David Tennant is to play Bono in a biopic.

Bono wants to save the rainforests, because it’s where his treehouse is.

Bono’s carbon footprint has its own postcode.

Bono doesn’t know the meaning of the word “modest”, because he was off school that day with messianitis.

“Bono” stands for “Bless Our Natural Order”, an early BNP tagline.

Bono has severe nerve damage from licking his own bottom, so the ’sweetest thing’ he can taste is beetroot.

Bono exists in 3 forms; a computer virus, the air we breathe, and The Human Form of Jesus Christ On Planet Earth.

Bono’s evil twin is called Nono.

Butter, Orange, Nutmeg and Oats are the main ingredients in Bono’s favourite cake.

The Bono Rangers are humanity’s saviours in the amazing year fifty billion.

“BONO” stood for “Bring Own Noose Only” in medieval hangings.

Bono has a working time machine. Nobody can be sure of the damage he’s done to history.

BONO stands for Being Of Nazarene Origin.

Bono’s arch nemesis is Taste and Decency.

Bono’s dream band would consist of Bono, Paul Hewson, PD Hewson KBE, and Ali Hewson’s husband.

Bono is a spin-off from the Hanna-Barbera 70s cartoon, Banjo Bono and the Troubleshooters.

Bono’s favourite Singer is Marc “Beastmaster” Singer.

“BoNo” is prison shorthand for “Boring Nonce”.

The name BONO is designed to look like a close up of a man wearing glasses.

Bono will be on BBC1’s Autumn 2010 schedule in the heart-warming Bono’ll Fix It.

U2 get their unique sound by sampling old U2 records.

A “Noob” is internet slang for “anagram of Bono”.

The Bono Dog Doo Dah Band were a self-righteous messiah-complex-suffering comedy jazz rock/psychadelic avant garde combo.

Bono uses his private jet to fly next door to Adam Clayton’s house every month.

Bono’s starsign is Ophiuchus.

The News at Ten “bongs” used to be called “bonos” until he copyrighted the sound effect.

Despite leaving them some years before, the Chuckle Brothers survived Bono’s departure.

Nostradamus predicted Bono, but forgot to tell anyone.

Ironically, Bono is a French word which literally translates as “Good-O”.

Bon-O used to be Lord of the Thundercats.

Bono is the superhero identity of Christopher Lillicrap.

Um Bono, Um Bono, They Drink It In The Cono

Bono created The Edge using a ruler with a lenticular Chesney Hawkes image and a set square.

Always unselfish, Bono enjoys watching the other members of U2 playing Russian Roulette.

U2 is a UB40 tribute band.

His speech impediment meant that the meaning of “Someday, Bloody Someday” was changed forever.

His favourite fruit is the bonono.

“Bono” is an anagram of “Boon”; this is because the character of Bono was based loosely on Michael Elphick.

“Bono” is short for “Bonofication”.

Bono’s real name is Arthur Mullard.

In the Mirror Universe in Star Trek, Bono is known as Boyes.

Bono backwards is “O’Nob”, which is his real surname. Coincidentally, it’s what people shout at him in the street.

Bono came up with the phrase, “There’s no ‘i’ in Bonio”.

Enjoy Negativland’s mighty prank (and major cornerstone in copyright case law) below. If you don’t know the story already, czech Swan Fungus’ write-up here.

MP3 :::
Negativland – U2

Since there seemed to be a lot of interest in my recording and archiving Art Bell’s sparse appearances on Coast to Coast AM, I’ll keep it up whenever possible. It’s worth mentioning that I left a party (with food and booze!) early to make sure I was home in time to record this. So you guys totally owe me.

The sound quality is not as good as the last recording I did. That massive and gnarly winter storm that basically shut down DC for the weekend passed just east of Louisville and, of course, AM reception is greatly affected by weather. Hence, there’s a fair amount of static. I cleaned it up the best I could. It’s definitely listenable, and gets better after you, uh, hear me adjust the tuning in the second segment.

The show recap from the Coast to Coast AM website.

Filling in for George Noory, Art Bell was joined by Brendan Cook & Barbara McBeath, of the Ghost Investigators Society, who presented a collection of newly recorded ghost voices, known as Electronic Voice Phenomena (EVP). The pair, who noted that this is their 10th year appearing on Coast, shared a plethora of sound clips that were played throughout the night and included chilling recordings of a crying baby, a singing woman, and even an EVP left on an answering machine.

One spooky exchange, captured at a Civil War battleground in Tennessee, saw the investigator ask for a ghost to stand in front of his camera. Following the request, a voice asks “why, because there’s a bullet in it?” Cook speculated that perhaps the entity thought the camera was a gun because, when it was alive, it had never seen a camera. Another EVP contained an investigator asking to hear from a ghost and the voice of a child plaintively responds “please talk to us.” The duo noted that this sense of frustration coming from the spirits is a common attribute of these recordings, since the entities appear to be trying to communicate in real-time but the investigators do not hear them until later when the tape is played.

Perhaps the most compelling clip of the evening contained both ghostly sounds heard by Cook on location as well as what appear to be animal noises that surfaced when he played the tape back later. During the incident, Cook, who was alone inside of a house, heard footsteps on the floor above him. Leaving the recorder on the first floor, he went upstairs to investigate. At that point, a crash can be heard, followed by a sound resembling a pig squealing. Returning to the first floor, he remarks that there was nothing going on upstairs. As soon as he says that, the footsteps became a loud banging sound. Cook remarked that he rarely feels uncomfortable on an investigation, but “this one freaked me out. I did not like this.”

Unfortunately, I missed the last hour because I accidentally passed out. Wine makes me do that, though it’s usually red, not white, that zonks my shit out. Whatever, not important. Enjoy the majority of the program below.

POSSIBLY RELEVANT :::
[Recording] Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell – 11.27.09

MP3 :::
Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell – 12.18.09 – Part 1
Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell – 12.18.09 – Part 2

While, yes, The Decibel Tolls is a music blog, sometimes I like to write about and share my other interests. No jumping the shark here, dudes. I figure that if you listen to the type of jams we post, you’re probably into weird, fringe, interesting media all around. So now that Art Bell is very occasionally returning to Coast to Coast AM to show everyone how it’s done right, someone needs to start recording, archiving, and making available these shows in MP3 format. I nominate myself.

If you’re not familiar with the program, read my Halloween article and get acquainted. If you like what you hear though, I’m not sure you’d want to turn on the program on any given night. George Noory and team are total dweebs. And they screen calls, which the lack thereof is what made the original C2C program famous. Art provided a forum for anyone to come and discuss their ideas. However, he still makes you prove your highly fringe theory or will calmly tease substance out of your nebulous statement. This makes for entertaining radio. George, on the other hand, totally believes whatever you say (for example, Art remained skeptical about the guests’ estimate of a 90% fatality rate after an EMP attack, whereas George would say “aw geez whiz, 90%, that’s terrible”). Also, there’s something viscerally creepy in Art’s smoky voice in the night that adds an air of mystique and solemness to the program. George sounds like a children’s show voiceover. Not to bash the latter too much, but let’s call a spade a spade, ya know? Hence, it’s always a real treat when the originator comes back to the mic.

Anyway, Art was back late Friday night for an AWESOME show. Here’s the recap from the C2C website: “Art Bell spoke with Prof. William Forstchen for the entire program about how an electromagnetic pulse (EMP) attack by a rogue nation could disable America’s power grid and communications infrastructure, and lead to an inconceivably high death toll.

Forstchen provided details on Starfish Prime, a high-altitude nuclear test conducted by the U.S. in 1962, which increased our awareness of the serious repercussions of EMP. The detonation took place high above the Pacific Ocean yet caused significant electrical damage several hundred miles away in Hawaii, he said.

Major solar flares can also produce EMP, Forstchen added, noting the Carrington Event of 1859, the most powerful solar storm in recorded history. If such a storm hit our planet today, over 80% of the electrical generating systems in the Eastern U.S. would still be offline four years later, he estimated.

Forstchen pointed out that North Korea or Iran could easily place an EMP-calibrated weapon within range of America and blow out the entire U.S. power grid. A 2004 Congressional Study projected a stunning 90% fatality rate from such an attack, he remarked, explaining that it would cause an almost immediate shortage of potable water, food and medical supplies, and eventually lead to a economic and societal collapse.

“We can stop this before it happens,” Forstchen said, agreeing with Art’s assessment that America should preemptively strike any country preparing to launch an EMP attack against it. Forstchen also proposed the U.S. harden its infrastructure and begin stockpiling replacement parts to rebuild it.”

Yeah man, it’s some shit. Below is the entire program, with the commercials, bumpers, and after-break catch-up removed, recorded from the crystal-clear 50,000 watt signal of WHAS. For those that were indeed listening, when Dr. Forstchen was discussing Faraday cages, did anyone else make an immediate LOST connection (the character Daniel Faraday, the electromagnetic force from the DHARMA Swan station, etc.)? Heavy on all fronts.

MP3 :::
Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell – 11.27.09 – Part 1
Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell – 11.27.09 – Part 2

When the Voyager program was investigating our planetary bodies in the late ’70s, NASA decided it would be fun to record the aural effects of the various phenomena in and around the jovian giants.

Fascinating recording of Jupiter sounds (electromagnetic “voices”) by NASA-Voyager. The complex interactions of charged electromagnetic particles from the solar wind, planetary magnetosphere etc. create vibration “soundscapes.”  The pressures and temperatures deep in Jupiter are so high that gases form a gradual transition into liquids which are gradually compressed into a metallic “plasma” in which the molecules have been stripped of their outer electrons. The winds of Jupiter are a thousand metres per second relative to the rotating interior. Jupiter’s magnetic field is four thousand times stronger than Earth’s, and is tipped by 11° degrees of axis spin. This causes the magnetic field to wobble, which has a profound effect on trapped electronically charged particles. This plasma of charged particles is accelerated beyond the magnetosphere of Jupiter to speeds of tens of thousands of kilometres per second. It is these magnetic particle vibrations which generate some of the sound you hear on this recording.

This is totally awesome, and I believe that Jupiter could get a decent recording deal with Kranky. Wish the video’s intro didn’t rock the Papyrus font. I hate that shit. It’s the new Comic Sans. But the recording rules nonetheless. Space rock!

In the great tradition of Sleeveface (which I have participated in myself), I had to share something I inadvertently noticed concerning bald musicians on album covers while Anni Rossi stopped by our office today to talk shop and, well, album art. Which do you like the best? The above? Or…. this?

Or this?

Lot of love in this club, yes?

Sorry for the dumb bullshit today. Have some lovely MP3s.

MP3 :::
Seefeel – Starethough
Spiritualized – I Think I’m in Love

Filing for bankruptcy last week, Muzak – purveyor of smooth sounds and easy-listening classics to offices and malls everywhere – revealed that it will be unable to pay its nearly half-billion dollars in debts. Since 1936 the company has been sedating the masses with a catalog which now numbers over 2.6 million songs.  Is Muzak finally getting the shaft?  Or is there a ground floor opportunity here for an acquirer?  Regardless of its future or your thoughts on the genre it created, Muzak has a storied past as part of American culture.

During the World War II era, the company started research and experimentation on using music to enhance worker productivity and enlisted original artists to produce intentionally subdued tracks suitable for the workplace. Today the company has over 80 channels of programming artfully branded with names such as “Cashmere” (Adult Contemporary) and “The Light” (Contemporary Christian). A sampling of the “’90s Hits” channel offered up Sheryl Crow, The Verve, The Rembrandts, The Cardigans, Goo Goo Dolls and TLC.

Despite the new clothes, most still identify Muzak as the same old cracker meekly offering impotent rewrites of past classics. The old school sound is available on the “Environmental” channel, a sample of which offered me nothing recognizable and could easily be a side project of Kenny G.

One of those recurring screenplay ideas which consistently pop into my head is that of uber-hip indie musician who dies and finds that purgatory is being a session musician for Muzak recordings. As desperately as I hit the Google, I was unable to find a single interview with a Muzak session musician. I wanted to learn about the daily routine. The days of slugging down Sanka between takes of “Do You Know the Way to San Jose”.  Late nights on the town swilling beers and chasing skirts while cooing, “did I tell you I’m in a band?”

Fast forward to mid-life crisis, empty whisky bottle hurled against the wall while picking soulful licks and crooning the lyrics he’s had to keep mute all those wasted years.  After his untimely death from cirrhosis, a cache of thousands of brilliant 4-track recordings is found in his attack and he becomes a hipster hero lauded by the insider elite.

But I digress.

Lest anyone be doubtful that the music industry has always been the irrational litigious machine that it is, back in the 1940s the American Federation of Musicians was at war with Muzak and fretting that piped in music would lead to unemployed musicians. Nevermind the unlikely occurrence of a big band showing up to play a gig at the local cannery, the slippery slope argument went into full effect. Under the iron fist of boss James Petrillo, the union demanded a halt to all musical recording in 1942. It’s really quite amazing that after more than half a century of such self-destructive behavior, the recording industry is still largely intact.  Muzak survived because it was sitting on a three year stockpile of fresh wax.  But this would not be the last of the company’s troubles.

In 1989, drunk with cash from a greatest hits album and his schlock rock supergroup, Damn Yankees, Ted Nugent offered a bid of $10 million to purchase Muzak with the promise of shutting it down.  In a not uncharacteristic binge of hyperbole the Newj claimed that, “It’s an evil force in today’s society…ruining some of the best minds of our generation.”

Screenplay idea #2.  In a not-so-distant future, packs of jumpsuited teens cruise the alleyways of their town shirking school, pillaging the locals and packing ipods pulsing with easy listening classics.  One miscreant is thrown in prison for his crimes and and subjected to scenes of ultraviolence accompanied by a drug therapy and an instrumental version of “Alfie”. The CIA scrambles to hack into American Eagle Outfitter’s network to pipe in “Cat Scratch Fever” and thwart the coming revolution.

Captain Beefheart’s Don Van Vliet was slightly more subtle when he opined on the fringe appeal of some of his music in a 1973 interview with Sounds saying, “A lot of people could never relate back to that sort of music…  Muzak has done that to them, it’s made them all on one level.”

But for all the shit Muzak has taken over the years, it still has its fans among a coterie of musical taste-makers.  Experimental composer John Cage wrote Silent Prayer specifically for Muzak which he felt was in the same spirit as Erik Satie’s “furniture music”, short compositions intended to be performed as background music. John Lennon, in a 1980 interview with Newsweek, claimed that during the mid-’70s he “listened mostly to classical or Muzak.  I’m not interested in other people’s work…”  And Devo lovingly recrafted many of its hits into easy listening versions sold through mail-order.

In Lennon’s comment it’s implicit that Muzak is faceless and lacking in any personally identifiable characteristics.  It’s devoid of the hype and swagger and all the things you either hate or love about a band.  Take away Chris Martin’s palsied stage antics and, with a little taming, Coldplay could be some damn fine Muzak – i.e. an improvement.  Is that such a bad thing?  The very criticism often levelled against Muzak – that it’s benign and unobtrusive – is also its appeal.

Film director John Waters said in 1978, “I would certainly never come home to my apartment alone and put on, you know, The Slits.  It doesn’t relax me.  I like Muzak.”  There was plenty of market for Muzak-style arrangements at the time with Herb Alpert, Mantovani and Burt Bacharach on the charts and Antônio Carlos Jobim and Brasil 66 infiltrating the nation with lush sounds and a south of the equator beat.

But while older artists like Esquivel experienced a brief revival a decade ago and new artists like Stereolab surged to prominence, MTV and arena tours had moved music from the background to the foreground and easy listening became too sedate, too safe, too inanimate to move the masses.  RIP Muzak.

- Xavier Van Zandt

MP3 :::
Jobim/Getz/Gilberto – Corcovado
Stereolab – Ranco Symphony

Kenny Bloggins wants you to be there!