As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I created a fake Billy Corgan Twitter. My friend Josh back in Chicago had started a hilarious Jean Claude Van Damme Twitter (“ate all the pancake batter. im going to have to do a lot of crunches today”), and I decided to join the fray. I wanted to create a Twitter of someone that wouldn’t be a cliche (such as, say, Twittering Jesus Christ or something), someone who had enough “personality” to properly satirize, someone who I had some biographic knowledge of, and a public figure who truly fascinates me. Billy Corgan fit.
Growing up, Smashing Pumpkins were my favorite band. Billy never seemed like a rock star – he rocked a schoolboy haircut and donned tacky polyester shirts and corduroy pants. He was totally rad. Then sometime in the latter ’90s, Corgan came back from outer space with a shiny head, ghoulish veneer, black tunic, and moon boots; his ability to write music unfortunately decimated upon entering the chrono-synclastic infundibulum. It was weird. Even weirder, he turned one of the best mainstream rock bands of recent memory into a really sad joke, and no one else can be blamed but Corgan himself. Hence, he’s gotsta get a satirical Twitter. However, what started out as pure entertainment (with a slight bit of commentary, of course) took off and turned into something truly interesting.
Billy Corgan has provided us many, many antics within just the past year. Antics that are not the actions of a rational human being – or even a rational-for-a-rockstar human being. And these actions, to me, launch him to the same level of self-parody as JCVD.
It’s pretty easy to keep up with Billy’s antics, as well, thanks to fan site Hipsters United. I discovered this blog after they linked to a story I wrote for Tiny Mix Tapes about the reunion/not reunion tour (it was called “Corgan and Company Release Documentary, But I’d Rather Have Another Book of Poetry” – still amused by that title). The article’s lead was a joke: “What does Billy Corgan and Charlie from Flowers for Algernon have in common? They both went from brilliant to retarded in a short period of time.” They called me out by name and told me I was a doo-doo head for my unkind words, which is okay. At the time, it wasn’t nice to rain on their 20th anniversary parade, though the train wreck that unfolded across the nation last fall did somewhat justify my words.
Anyway, what’s truly odd about Hipsters United is that it’s a fan site that makes Billy look worse than sites and blogs that slam him. This is not their fault completely. That is to say, by default, if you’re objectively reporting on Billy Corgan, you will make him look bad because he consistently does dumb shit that makes himself look bad. They really will publish something about whatever he’s doing at any particular time, and will republish all sorts of very unflattering interviews and articles. If it has to do with Billy, it’s up. And unfortunately, everything he does and says is rather tragic and unintentionally funny. So there’s proof one – Corgan’s numbskullery is so profound that he comes off as a moron on his own fan sites.
The problem is, however, no one really (in theory) loves Jean Claude Van Damme, and everyone should be privy to the fact that the Notorious B.I.G. is not alive to tweet. People still really love this Billy Corgan fellow, despite his insterstellar toolishness. And these people are rather dismayed to find out that my Twitter is not the real Billy Corgan – despite the fact that the bio line reads “Not real, though many of these words were said at some point by the real BC.”
This is true. I lift many direct quotes from a December 2008 interview with the Tribune’s Greg Kot. Some of these quotes are unbelievable. Billy has admitted that he loves pro wrestling (even appearing on the WWE), and here, he sounds like a wrestler giving a speech right after the entrance music plays. Other choice quotes are lifting from his much-publicized online journal (what is a “warrior of light”?). Actual stage banter is also fair game. This interview also provides some great quotes, which amounts to “we are still the most amazing band we know and our audience is stupid for not liking it”:
So Billy tweets pretty often and on myriad subjects, usually concerning (but not limited to): how the Cubs and wrestling are his only interests these days, how he is Smashing Pumpkins and the Smashing Pumpkins are him, being pissed at Courtney Love, doing whatever manager Irving Azoff tells him to do (including speaking to Congress on his behalf), how dropped D is the only tuning to write music in, how often he fucks porn stars (namely Sasha Grey winner of the 2008 AVN for Best 3-Way), wanting more silver pants and/or Victorian dresses, talking about his goofy lawsuits that he has already defaulted on multiple times, and how the radio needs to pay him more. The joke well runs deep and plentiful – and sometimes you can’t make this stuff up. Also, for some reason, my version of Billy Corgan describes everything as “clutch.” Don’t ask why.
The result is, well, an amalgamation of actual insane quotes and my own insane additions and exaggerations that have, I guess, convinced a lot of people that I am the real Billy Corgan. And as mentioned earlier, people are rather pissed that I’m not. Witness the comedie humaine:
Al—–77@Billy_Corgan wow, had no idea about this issue, thank you for your activitism! yes, you look very studious! cant wait to see u play!
Billy_Corgan@Al—–77 Thanks, but I’m no activist. Just went to DC b/c Irving told me to. I have only one cause I care about: http://tinyurl.com/c463lcMe—-se@Billy_Corgan and i would like to be the one to slide off those silver pants! your just lovely
Billy_Corgan@Me—-se Sorry, only Courtney gets cock privilegesBilly_CorganMe—-se@Billy_Corgan gay- not the real bill. boring. but do u know him? bang-bang
Billy_Corgan@Me—-se What do you mean by “gay”?
Billy_Corgan I am sometimes careless with words. I am just frustrated b/c i really thought i was cool for a sec for “exchanging words”w/bc
Billy_Corgan@Me—-se Gotta be careful what you say, you know? Especially if you’re talking to that fucktard Jim DeRotagis at the Sun TimesMe—-se@Billy_Corgan:Since you are NOT B.C. can’t you at least have the consideration in using quatation marks. Or stop talking in 1st person? Grrr
Me—-se@Billy_Corgan:*quotation marks- sp error. happens frequently. Either way- you get it.
Billy_Corgan@Me—-se Smashing Pumpkins are not an error, and if you think so, fine, but God will judge you too one day
Billy_Corgan@Me—-se Oh, you meant spelling error. My bad. Whenever someone types in sp I assume they’re talking about my band
Me—-se@Billy_Corgan i know… actually same here whenever i write “sp” it automatically registers in my brain as the pumpkins too.
Me—-se@Billy_Corgan back to my point though. don’t you think you should be ” “ing, instead of pretending to be my desired manimal? It’s kinda rude
Billy_Corgan@Me—-se This guy cracks me up – @cwalken [Editor's Note: See, I'm not posturing to really, ya know, be Billy. This is a pretty obvious clue that this is meant to be satire, like Chrisopher Walken's Twitter]
Me—-se@Billy_Corgan …ditto. AGAIN- Y R U PRETENDING TO BE “B.C”? Still rather lame. instead of being a fake. at least make it a tribute site.
This is just one example. Of course, it’s certainly worth mentioning that some people do get it:
hi—–or@Billy_Corgan So I heard a chunk of Today on NPR yesterday. I was pissed for you.
Billy_Corgan@hipfactor Oh, they will pay me. And since NPR is listener supported, ultimately, your friends and family will too.
But it’s the people who don’t get it (and/or have no sense of humor) that I find even more interesting. As a matter of fact, it’s rather thought-provoking that I can say things like “only Courtney gets cock privileges,” and such an outrageous quote is still enough within the realm of things the real Billy might say that a good portion of my followers believe this is authentic. Part of it may just be wishful thinking, sure, but I think this also proves how far Billy has removed himself from our planet over the past few years.
It makes me sad. Billy Corgan was a musical idol to me growing up. Siamese Dream is still one of my favorite albums – so much so that “Luna” might be me and L-Train’s wedding song. That’s major, ya’ll. And this assclown, who wrote music that has some of the most meaning to me, continuously pisses on his own legacy by writing modern rock radio borecore, not learning to shut the fuck up, and acting like a total dingus the likes of which the world has not before seen.
Look, I don’t care that the Pumpkins absolutely abandoned all their versatility and wrote two albums worth of songs that are nothing but metal and industrial-informed, dropped-D arena anthems that sound like “Marquis in Spade” over and over again. It does truly bother me that I can’t say I love the (early) Pumpkins with a straight face. It does bother me that Billy truly believes that Zeitgeist is the best thing they’ve ever done. Why reboot the Pumpkins (while refusing to call it a “reunion” – see LJ post) if all you’re going to do is rehash Machina? It violates the brilliance that their early career should be enjoying but can’t (since he won’t keep his damn mouth shut). It’s what Chuck Klosterman said :”However, the band’s reputation seems to erode every year, and I suspect it’s mostly because people don’t like Billy Corgan. And the reason they don’t like him is that (ironically) he’s too honest during interviews, which wouldn’t be a problem were it not for the fact that he honestly believes he’s a goddamn genius.” The Pumpkins would’ve had a solid legacy if Billy stopped playing slap-dick with the press after Adore (and certainly if he stopped playing slap-dick and staging public therapy sessions with his own fans). I mean, God bless.
Yes, in theory, only the music should matter. But anyone who denies what I call the “associative listening experience” is naive and/or in denial. We all associate songs with ideas, memories, moods, and the like. The idea of something being overrated or underrated originates from this phenomenon – as you associate a piece of music or an artist with the press it gets. Billy’s infantile actions, since they are novel and epic in scope, have overshadowed the music for me and a lot of other folks. This is why bands that are inspired by the Pumpkins don’t really admit it.
What all this says about the nature of Twitter, Web 2.0, and bluh bluh bluh is a whole other subject. I can speak about what this says about me, though. Why do I take in so much joy in this insane Twitter? Besides the enjoyment of observing the aforementioned reactions to such absurdity and running full-throttle on smart-ass, I’ve also felt that there is more truth in satire, paradoxically, than any other institution. I’m tired of people apologizing for this guy. He knows how to write really amazing music (see Gish through Mellon Collie) and how to be an engaging pop culture figure without cheapening himself to a spectacle that tarnishes the band’s actual repetoire of music. It’s a calling-out, so to speak. And Kenny Bloggins is the self-appointed man to do it!
Well anyway, I’m sure one of these days, perhaps soon, the real William Patrick Corgan, Jr. will find out about the Twitter and I’ll get a cease and desist and/or account suspension from them. It’ll be sad, but I’ll comply. Then maybe Billy will start an authentic Twitter account for himself, wherein he can wax all day on God and how tight Zeitgeist is and how everyone sucks except him and whoever he’s grooving with these days. I feel it won’t be as entertaining, though.
If I could speak to the real Billy Corgan, I would love to tell him to quit while he was ahead, notwithstanding that it’s far too late for that anyway.
MP3 :::
Frank Zappa – Nasal Retentive Calliope Music
