UPDATE 9.15.08: I realize a lot of people will stumble upon this article as per Rick Wright’s recent passing. Please understand that this post, evidenced by the timestamp, was written a week prior. The Decibel Tolls offers nothing but condolensces to Wright’s family and friends. The primary purpose of this article was to simply express an opinion, in an irreverent sense, that early Pink Floyd albums were better, and nothing more. No disrespect is intended. Okay, soldiering on…

Never shying from controversy, it’s time once again to draw a definitive line in the sand.

In 1973, a pretty spectacular group by the name of teh Pink Floydz unleashed a pretty spectacular turd upon the world called Dark Side of the Moon. The turditude was unrelenting, with the fusion-infused Wish You Were Here, the dated and sleep-inducing Animals, and the bloated and idiotic The Wall extracting what was lousy about Dark Side and exemplifying each element across an entire discography. I say this in part due to my disdain for white blues, but also in part due to (my personal mantra) the associative listening experience. It’s hard to listen to post-Dark Side albums and not think about how amazing Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Meddle, and the like really were, both then and today. Sure, they were a different band, and good bands tend to morph throughout their career. But Pink Floyd elected, on their own volition, to suck, spewing torrents of lame from 1973 through, well, today I suppose. They proved their chops in their first five years, and then said “fuck it, let’s noodle like Clapton and make R&B records that you can’t shag to.”

Dark Side of the Moon is considered a cornerstone psychedelic rock record. Dark Side is as psychedelic as shopping for groceries or going to Six Flags. Some points:

• Unless you’re in a band that begins with “S” and ends in “piritualized,” gospel singers does not a pysch rock record make.
• When Roger gets those excitable throat pipes flaring like a kerosene lamp, he sounds like what I imagine one of the Dementors from the Harry Potter series sound like when they send out mating calls. Let Gilmour take over and let the sleeping dog lie, Brodeo.
• Never, ever let Alan Parsons tweak your knobs, unless you really want to sound like Yessongs. The only thing about Yes that resembles psychedelia is their album covers, which decidedly look like those fractal designs Trapper Keeper used to rock hard when I was in elementary school.
• As mentioned, we know they could’ve done better. If I wanted jazz and blues-infused borecore perfect for listening to while thumbing through Highlights in the dentist office lobby, I would’ve picked up The Weather Report. Where’s “Interstellar Overdrive,” mah frienzz?
• Sure, Dark Side brought musique concrète into the public psyche, and that’s spiffy keen, but the found sound on Piper was not only engaging and seamlessly executed, focused and fluid, but also acted as the centerpiece for many of the songs, such as radio recording pastiche of “Astronomy Domine.” On Dark Side, it just comes off as potheads fucking around in a multi-million dollar studio.
• Roger Waters, then and now, is still unintentionally hilarious.

One of the reasons I know my girlfriend Lana and I are ridin’ on an epic similar wavelength is that she, also, holds this fundamental tenet to be true – so I’m not alone in the Dark Side Sucks Doctrine. Her favorite PF excursion is “Summer ‘68″ off of Atom Heart Mother, and it’s certainly one of mine as well. “Summer ‘68″ is also post-Syd, so here’s evidence that Syd Barrett was not the lone firewall between Pink Floyd and “the suck.” When I hear this soaring, expansive, gorgeous, subdued psychedelic ballad, and then listen to, I dunno, “The Great Gig in the Sky,” I feel hurt and angry. Maybe this represents the zeitgeist with this musical movement – every other amazing late ’60s psych artist that didn’t reinvent themselves for the worse or alter their sound to the arena-centric sounds of the ’70s either broke up, went ballistic, or something else entirely (Can and their crowd tends to be the exemplary exception, though Can and “the suck” collided head-on a decade later after Damo bounced). It’s just kind of a bummer, I suppose. I hate when I’m talking about music, and someone asks about my favorite bands. I name Floyd and I usually get “oh, yeah, Dark Side is great.” Nay, it’s not. Dark Side is sordid and gives me indigestion.

Look, I love Pink Floyd, as showcased here. And I’ve included four of my favorite Floyd tracks below, which are also some of my just plain favorite songs period. I can’t listen to these triumphant songs and then turn around, crank up Dark Side and say “these jams are just as boss.” Because they’re not. I just, in good conscience, can’t do that. So for this… a pox on you, Roger Waters! A pox on you, scurvy scaliwag! Both you and Rick Wright… back away from the instruments… and the mixing board. Go! Get out of here! Count money or somethin’.

Sorry for being a hater. Nothin’ but good vibrations from here on out. Feel free to bash this entry in the comment section, I won’t take it personally. But all ye noble men should mash play on the MP3s below first.

As a quick and final aside, Roger Waters and Richard Gere bear quite a resemblance these days… which is amazing. Dang, mang. Roger’s making the same face I make every time I hear the shitfest “Shine on You Crazy Diamonds.”

MP3 :::
Pink Floyd – Summer ‘68
Pink Floyd – Astronomy Domine
Pink Floyd – Vegetable Man (Rare BBC Recording)
Pink Floyd – Nightmare / Cymbaline (Live)