O JUNK YA’LLZ!!1 I’VE BEEN SOOOO BAKED 2DAY I ALMOST 4GOT TO PUT 2GETHER A MIX FOR 420. I’M LIKE THAT ADULTERER IN THE BIBLE STORY… LOVE TO GET STONED, KNOW WUT I’M SAYING?!?!?! NAH I’M JUST KIDDING.

N-E WAYZ, 420 IS MAH FAVORITE HOLIDAY AND I CELEBRATE IT EVERY YEAR B/C I FEEL IT IS IMPORTANT THAT WE LEGALIZE THE GANJ. GRASS HELPS ME AND OTHER PPL FIND OUT THE TRUTH IN THINGS. AND U KNOW WHAT? MAN, I’LL TELL YOU WHAT THE REAL CRIME IS… IT’S WHEN OUR FASCIST GOVERNMENT TELL US… WAIT, MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT DERAILED. O WELL, LOL. BUT YEAH, AS I SAID EARLIER I MADE YA’LLZ A MIX TO BRING IN THE HOLIDAY RIGHT. ALSO, IF U WANT TO SMOKE GRASS BUT CAN’T ROLL A DEECE J, HERE’S HOW TO MAKE A GRAVITY BONG WITH HOUSEHOLD ITEMS. PEACE.

For this classroom activity, you will need:
- Kitchen mop bucket (preferably unused or at least thoroughly washed)
- a 2-liter bottle
- Sink faucet screen with nut (the lil’ doo-dad where the water comes out)
- Aluminum foil
- Knife or scissors
- Access to municipal tap water, yo

THIS IS 4 TOBACCO USE ONLY, THO, SO DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME WITH N-E THING ELSE *WIIINKZ NUDGE*

Fill bucket about 3/4 with water. Cut four small incisions at the bottom of the plastic bottle. Remove bottle cap, replace with sink screen and nut, and pad bottle nozzle tightly with aluminum foil (don’t want any of the tobackee smoke *wiiink* to get out).  Fill screen with your favorite flavored tobacco. Push bottle toward bottom of bucket. Light tobacco and slowly pull bottle up out of water. Remove cap, put mouth on bottle nozzle then slowly start pushing bottle back down into bucket while inhaling. And viola! ENJOI YR. FINE AMERICAN GROWN TOBACCO PRODUCTS LOLZ.

IF YA’LLZ HAVE N-E ?’S U CAN HIT ME UP ON AIM MY SCREENNAME IS SMOAK420

If you do get busted by the po-lice for enjoyin’ the finer things in life, tell them that you got these gravity “tobacco” bong instructions from Gorilla Vs. Bear, ya know what I’m sayin’.

MP3 :::
Acid Mothers Temple & The Melting Paraiso UFO – Ange Mecanique De Saturne
Magik Markers – There is No Path Which is Not Straight
Loop – Fade Out
Comets on Fire – Jaybird
Pink Floyd – Astronomy Domine
Darker My Love – I Feel Fine
The Byrds – Space Odyssey
Landing – Gravitational 2
Cloudland Canyon – Mothlight Part 1
Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti – Gettin’ High in the Morning
The Black Angels – Snake in the Grass
13th Floor Elevators – Slip Inside This House
Deerhunter – Octet
Frank Zappa – Flower Punk

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I created a fake Billy Corgan Twitter. My friend Josh back in Chicago had started a hilarious Jean Claude Van Damme Twitter (“ate all the pancake batter. im going to have to do a lot of crunches today”), and I decided to join the fray. I wanted to create a Twitter of someone that wouldn’t be a cliche (such as, say, Twittering Jesus Christ or something), someone who had enough “personality” to properly satirize, someone who I had some biographic knowledge of, and a public figure who truly fascinates me. Billy Corgan fit.

Growing up, Smashing Pumpkins were my favorite band.  Billy never seemed like a rock star – he rocked a schoolboy haircut and donned tacky polyester shirts and corduroy pants.  He was totally rad.  Then sometime in the latter ’90s, Corgan came back from outer space with a shiny head, ghoulish veneer, black tunic, and moon boots; his ability to write music unfortunately decimated upon entering the chrono-synclastic infundibulum.  It was weird.  Even weirder, he turned one of the best mainstream rock bands of recent memory into a really sad joke, and no one else can be blamed but Corgan himself. Hence, he’s gotsta get a satirical Twitter.  However, what started out as pure entertainment (with a slight bit of commentary, of course) took off and turned into something truly interesting.

Billy Corgan has provided us many, many antics within just the past year.  Antics that are not the actions of a rational human being – or even a rational-for-a-rockstar human being.  And these actions, to me, launch him to the same level of self-parody as JCVD.

It’s pretty easy to keep up with Billy’s antics, as well, thanks to fan site Hipsters United. I discovered this blog after they linked to a story I wrote for Tiny Mix Tapes about the reunion/not reunion tour (it was called “Corgan and Company Release Documentary, But I’d Rather Have Another Book of Poetry” – still amused by that title).  The article’s lead was a joke: “What does Billy Corgan and Charlie from Flowers for Algernon have in common? They both went from brilliant to retarded in a short period of time.”  They called me out by name and told me I was a doo-doo head for my unkind words, which is okay.  At the time, it wasn’t nice to rain on their 20th anniversary parade, though the train wreck that unfolded across the nation last fall did somewhat justify my words.

Anyway, what’s truly odd about Hipsters United is that it’s a fan site that makes Billy look worse than sites and blogs that slam him. This is not their fault completely. That is to say, by default, if you’re objectively reporting on Billy Corgan, you will make him look bad because he consistently does dumb shit that makes himself look bad. They really will publish something about whatever he’s doing at any particular time, and will republish all sorts of very unflattering interviews and articles.  If it has to do with Billy, it’s up.  And unfortunately, everything he does and says is rather tragic and unintentionally funny. So there’s proof one – Corgan’s numbskullery is so profound that he comes off as a moron on his own fan sites.

The problem is, however, no one really (in theory) loves Jean Claude Van Damme, and everyone should be privy to the fact that the Notorious B.I.G. is not alive to tweet.  People still really love this Billy Corgan fellow, despite his insterstellar toolishness.  And these people are rather dismayed to find out that my Twitter is not the real Billy Corgan – despite the fact that the bio line reads “Not real, though many of these words were said at some point by the real BC.”

This is true. I lift many direct quotes from a December 2008 interview with the Tribune’s Greg Kot. Some of these quotes are unbelievable. Billy has admitted that he loves pro wrestling (even appearing on the WWE), and here, he sounds like a wrestler giving a speech right after the entrance music plays. Other choice quotes are lifting from his much-publicized online journal (what is a “warrior of light”?).  Actual stage banter is also fair game.  This interview also provides some great quotes, which amounts to “we are still the most amazing band we know and our audience is stupid for not liking it”:

So Billy tweets pretty often and on myriad subjects, usually concerning (but not limited to): how the Cubs and wrestling are his only interests these days, how he is Smashing Pumpkins and the Smashing Pumpkins are him, being pissed at Courtney Love, doing whatever manager Irving Azoff tells him to do (including speaking to Congress on his behalf), how dropped D is the only tuning to write music in, how often he fucks porn stars (namely Sasha Grey winner of the 2008 AVN for Best 3-Way), wanting more silver pants and/or Victorian dresses, talking about his goofy lawsuits that he has already defaulted on multiple times, and how the radio needs to pay him more.  The joke well runs deep and plentiful – and sometimes you can’t make this stuff up.  Also, for some reason, my version of Billy Corgan describes everything as “clutch.” Don’t ask why.

The result is, well, an amalgamation of actual insane quotes and my own insane additions and exaggerations that have, I guess, convinced a lot of people that I am the real Billy Corgan.  And as mentioned earlier, people are rather pissed that I’m not.  Witness the comedie humaine:

Al—–77@Billy_Corgan wow, had no idea about this issue, thank you for your activitism! yes, you look very studious! cant wait to see u play!
Billy_Corgan@Al—–77 Thanks, but I’m no activist. Just went to DC b/c Irving told me to. I have only one cause I care about: http://tinyurl.com/c463lc

Me—-se@Billy_Corgan and i would like to be the one to slide off those silver pants! your just lovely
Billy_Corgan@Me—-se Sorry, only Courtney gets cock privileges

Billy_CorganMe—-se@Billy_Corgan gay- not the real bill. boring. but do u know him? bang-bang
Billy_Corgan@Me—-se What do you mean by “gay”?
Billy_Corgan I am sometimes careless with words. I am just frustrated b/c i really thought i was cool for a sec for “exchanging words”w/bc
Billy_Corgan@Me—-se Gotta be careful what you say, you know? Especially if you’re talking to that fucktard Jim DeRotagis at the Sun Times

Me—-se@Billy_Corgan:Since you are NOT B.C. can’t you at least have the consideration in using quatation marks. Or stop talking in 1st person? Grrr
Me—-se@Billy_Corgan:*quotation marks- sp error. happens frequently. Either way- you get it.
Billy_Corgan@Me—-se Smashing Pumpkins are not an error, and if you think so, fine, but God will judge you too one day
Billy_Corgan@Me—-se Oh, you meant spelling error. My bad. Whenever someone types in sp I assume they’re talking about my band
Me—-se@Billy_Corgan i know… actually same here whenever i write “sp” it automatically registers in my brain as the pumpkins too.
Me—-se@Billy_Corgan back to my point though. don’t you think you should be ” “ing, instead of pretending to be my desired manimal? It’s kinda rude
Billy_Corgan@Me—-se This guy cracks me up – @cwalken [Editor's Note: See, I'm not posturing to really, ya know, be Billy. This is a pretty obvious clue that this is meant to be satire, like Chrisopher Walken's Twitter]
Me—-se@Billy_Corgan …ditto. AGAIN- Y R U PRETENDING TO BE “B.C”? Still rather lame. instead of being a fake. at least make it a tribute site.

This is just one example.  Of course, it’s certainly worth mentioning that some people do get it:

hi—–or@Billy_Corgan So I heard a chunk of Today on NPR yesterday. I was pissed for you.
Billy_Corgan@hipfactor Oh, they will pay me. And since NPR is listener supported, ultimately, your friends and family will too.

But it’s the people who don’t get it (and/or have no sense of humor) that I find even more interesting.  As a matter of fact, it’s rather thought-provoking that I can say things like “only Courtney gets cock privileges,” and such an outrageous quote is still enough within the realm of things the real Billy might say that a good portion of my followers believe this is authentic. Part of it may just be wishful thinking, sure, but I think this also proves how far Billy has removed himself from our planet over the past few years.

It makes me sad. Billy Corgan was a musical idol to me growing up. Siamese Dream is still one of my favorite albums – so much so that “Luna” might be me and L-Train’s wedding song. That’s major, ya’ll. And this assclown, who wrote music that has some of the most meaning to me, continuously pisses on his own legacy by writing modern rock radio borecore, not learning to shut the fuck up, and acting like a total dingus the likes of which the world has not before seen.

Look, I don’t care that the Pumpkins absolutely abandoned all their versatility and wrote two albums worth of songs that are nothing but metal and industrial-informed, dropped-D arena anthems that sound like “Marquis in Spade” over and over again.  It does truly bother me that I can’t say I love the (early) Pumpkins with a straight face.  It does bother me that Billy truly believes that Zeitgeist is the best thing they’ve ever done. Why reboot the Pumpkins (while refusing to call it a “reunion” – see LJ post) if all you’re going to do is rehash Machina?  It violates the brilliance that their early career should be enjoying but can’t (since he won’t keep his damn mouth shut).  It’s what Chuck Klosterman said :”However, the band’s reputation seems to erode every year, and I suspect it’s mostly because people don’t like Billy Corgan. And the reason they don’t like him is that (ironically) he’s too honest during interviews, which wouldn’t be a problem were it not for the fact that he honestly believes he’s a goddamn genius.”  The Pumpkins would’ve had a solid legacy if Billy stopped playing slap-dick with the press after Adore (and certainly if he stopped playing slap-dick and staging public therapy sessions with his own fans).  I mean, God bless.

Yes, in theory, only the music should matter. But anyone who denies what I call the “associative listening experience” is naive and/or in denial. We all associate songs with ideas, memories, moods, and the like.  The idea of something being overrated or underrated originates from this phenomenon – as you associate a piece of music or an artist with the press it gets.  Billy’s infantile actions, since they are novel and epic in scope, have overshadowed the music for me and a lot of other folks. This is why bands that are inspired by the Pumpkins don’t really admit it.

What all this says about the nature of Twitter, Web 2.0, and bluh bluh bluh is a whole other subject. I can speak about what this says about me, though. Why do I take in so much joy in this insane Twitter? Besides the enjoyment of observing the aforementioned reactions to such absurdity and running full-throttle on smart-ass, I’ve also felt that there is more truth in satire, paradoxically, than any other institution.  I’m tired of people apologizing for this guy.  He knows how to write really amazing music (see Gish through Mellon Collie) and how to be an engaging pop culture figure without cheapening himself to a spectacle that tarnishes the band’s actual repetoire of music.  It’s a calling-out, so to speak. And Kenny Bloggins is the self-appointed man to do it!

Well anyway, I’m sure one of these days, perhaps soon, the real William Patrick Corgan, Jr. will find out about the Twitter and I’ll get a cease and desist and/or account suspension from them. It’ll be sad, but I’ll comply.  Then maybe Billy will start an authentic Twitter account for himself, wherein he can wax all day on God and how tight Zeitgeist is and how everyone sucks except him and whoever he’s grooving with these days. I feel it won’t be as entertaining, though.

If I could speak to the real Billy Corgan, I would love to tell him to quit while he was ahead, notwithstanding that it’s far too late for that anyway.

MP3 :::
Frank Zappa – Nasal Retentive Calliope Music

Haven’t had a news roundup in a while, so let’s do this like Buddhists…

I’ve been grooving on Psychic Ills’ Mirror Eye since it dropped last month. It’s not groundbreaking material, but it’s good enough, and it’s the sound I enjoy in modern music (which is, let’s be honest, anything droney with lots of reverb and the tweaking of various knobs). I’d give Mirror Eye a solid B. Pitchfork disagreed (a 1.4 no less), and the Ills decided to post a response… for a bit.

Swan Fungus broke this story last week, but since then, the blog entry has disappeared!  Does Pitchfork have wiseguys that pay you a visit for your skulduggery?  Shit is nefarious, dudes.  Gee whiz… so anyway, the Ills wrote a review of P4Ker Joe Colley’s review and it cultivated a respectable amount of lolz.

From all we gather Colly’s transparent interest in and knowledge of music seems limited to recent trend fucking, and while that doesn’t shock, the fact that he gets so bent out of shape about music that he’s not into is interesting at the very least. Definitely not a fan of “abstract tendencies” or “eschewing traditional means of songcraft” Colly seems content in not having a mind of his own.

The response written was not a sour grapes type of retort – it was witty, intelligent, and honestly, they had a bad break with this review and were fairly justified in firing up the keyboard.  Colley admits, indirectly, to liking feel good crap your hands say yeah pop, so it’s no wonder that Mirror Eye harshed his mellow. But now… now the blog entry is gone!  Has a bounty been placed?  Sinister.

Well… thinking logically here, though I would love to uncover some sort of conspiracy with hipster shadow people and deep throats, the Ills were probably advised by management to not get into a pissing contest with the mighty ‘Fork.  Regardless, I’m still shooting Bob Woodward an email.

Perhaps all this will help generate more (and I think deserved) buzz about Mirror Eye, as this writer points out, since a dreadful review gets more exposure than a lukewarm one.  And that makes sense – wouldn’t you, as an artist, rather illicit any response, good or bad, than instill complacency?

::: ::: :::

A calmer and more genial Brian Jonestown Massacre is ready to hit the road next month. Though, I should mention that I’m not going to make any cracks at Anton Newcombe in this article. Sure, there’s little doubt as to Newcombe’s status as being absolutely batshit crazy, but this makes him too easy a target. So, despite TMT’s penchant for poking fun at some artists who we do genuinely like, ragging on Anton is akin to igniting a bag of dog poop on your curmudgeonly neighbor’s porch. You know what you’re getting into and, hence, it’s not really worth it. So to that end, I just wanna chime in here to establish the following premises:

Anton and the latest (seventh perhaps?) incarnation of the Brian Jonestown Massacre are touring.
The BJM are amazing live, under the conditions when everything goes to plan.
Things have been on plan in the last couple of years.

Therefore, you should go see them (make haste!). Expect a cross-catalog setlist, at least one face-kick, and music that’s better than the majority of what’s coming out these days. Oh, and you lucky bastards who live on the Left Coast will get to witness our leather jacket-clad boys open for Primal “fuckin’” Scream! And I hate each and every one of you for this.

03.16.09 – Los Angeles, CA – Club Nokia #
03.17.09 – San Francisco, CA – The Filmore #
03.20.09 – Portland, OR – Crystal Ballroom
03.21.09 – Seattle, WA – Neumos
03.24.09 – Denver, CO – Ogden Theater
03.26.09 – Minneapolis, MN – Turner Hall
03.28.09 – Chicago, IL – The Metro
03.29.09 – Cleveland, OH – The Grog Shop
03.30.09 – Pittsburgh, PA – Rex Theater
04.02.09 – Boston, MA – Paradise Theater
04.03.09 – Northampton, MA – Pearl Street
04.04.09 – Philadelphia, PA – Trocadero
04.06.09 – Washington, DC – 930 Club
04.07.09 – Carrboro, NC – Cat’s Cradle
04.08.09 – Asheville, NC – Orange Peel
04.09.09 – Nashville, TN – Exit/In
04.10.09 – Atlanta, GA – Variety Playhouse
04.11.09 – Memphis, TN – Hi Tones
04.13.09 – Dallas, TX – Granada Theater
04.14.09 – Austin, TX – Emo’s
04.16.09 – Tempe, AZ – Club House

# Primal Scream

::: ::: :::

Finally, it looks like the Chicago Sun Times’ Roger Ebert has, indeed, acquired a prescription for medical marijuana.  His Feb. 8 entry Ending up in a kind of soundlessly spinning ethereal void as we all must drops some next level science on yr. dome.

As you probably know, Ebert has had serious health problems recently, so it’s fair to postulate that he took some max strength pain killers and wrote a totally insane journal post adorned with fractal art.  It’s one of the more obtuse career moves I’ve seen a writer do – and also one of the more entertaining.

I certainly wish him the best, as I think Ebert is one of the most intelligent and, most importantly, fair critics in the game right now.  But godddammmm. That was the most 420 shit I’ve ever read that didn’t feature the frequent utilization of the pronoun “man.”

MP3 :::
Psychic Ills – Eyes Closed
The Brian Jonestown Massacre – Here It Comes
Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti – Getting High in the Morning
Frank Zappa – Flower Punk

For all intents and purposes, everything’s been done before – more often than not by Frank Zappa specifically.  Above we have a nice Gorey-esque ink sketch done by my girlfriend (click to see full resolution) featuring a vaudevillian Paul McCartney snaggin’ another good idea from Frank Zappa (which as we all know, he didn’t take too kindly to and recorded the album We’re Only in It for the Money as a retort).

There are many instances of artists doing strange, unexpected, or otherwise self-defeating things during television performances.  Frank Zappa did it first by playing a bicycle on the Steve Allen show.  Live.

And while you hear a variety of music industry insiders complain about the follies of the music business, Frank Zappa prophesied it.

And before Bono was dining with Kofi Annan, Frank Zappa was being a badass and calling out the eggheads on Crossfire. As history demonstrated, of course, the PRMC lost and Zappa’s instrumental Jazz From Hell received a parental advisory label. Hilarious. The first clip is from 1985, and his treatment on the show probably influenced his demeanor in the last two clips from 1987. Robert Novak’s lookin’ good at his younger age.

When in doubt, it’s safe to assume Frank was there first. Though I can’t empirically prove it, I find it a valid statement. Enjoy two of my favorite brainwaves from Mr. Z.

MP3 :::
Frank Zappa – Who Needs the Peace Corps?
Frank Zappa – Who are the Brain Police?